...I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight.
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time.
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides;
Like indecision to call you,
And hear your voice of treason.
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight?
Stop this pain tonight.
Don't waste your time on me, you're already
The voice inside my head..."
- Blink 182
"I Miss You"
I start with my happiest note in a long time: my favorite band of all time...a band I've been listening to since the sixth grade...is back together. I would love more than anything to see them when they start their new tour this summer, and I would give anything to meet them. They announced their new collaborative album at the Grammy Awards tonight, and for a second it washed away all my sadness from this week.
...between heartaches, sorrow and anger felt this past week, I feel as though this is life telling me I'm about to have a turning point. Karma might finally swing my way. And, in light of this, I will be taking a few risks to test my luck...and it might hurt.
I feel I should also add something: I remember February 22, 2005 very distinctly. I had been running track since I was five or six years old...it was the only thing I could do well, that I actually enjoyed and could see myself doing someday for a living. At some point - I don't remember quite when - it became my dream to someday compete in the Olympics.
I kept running, and I was damn good. I made a lot of sacrifices to get where I was when it all came crashing down...Feb 22, 05 was the day I got kicked off of Texas A&M's track team. They gave me some bullshit reasons, but what it boiled down to was they just didn't like me. It shattered me...
...it was 6 a.m. I rode my bike the mile and a half back to my dorm in tears so thick, I fell off my bike three times. By the time I got back, my roommate at the time was gone to his first class (which I felt relieved about) so I locked myself inside and called my father bawling.
I told him I was sorry for being a failure...I was impacted so deeply by this. He told me I didn't do anything wrong, and that everything would be fine...normal father advice. But then he told me two things only he could know would calm me down: "Go call your older brother, and then listen to some music. It always makes you feel better."
I called Daniel. I cried a lot more. He's always been a great older brother...knowing just what to say. He anarchical rants made me smile, and made me realize it wasn't my fault for being the victim of some kind of discrimination. I was different, and they didn't want that, so fuck them (only, the bad side was it ruined my chances of achieving my dreams). He told me to skip class for a day, mellow out, and listen to some music...
I asked him, "What should I listen to?"
He said, "Some Brand New...or maybe some Blink-182 for you. You're always happy when you listen to them. I love you David...don't ever let people think you're not fucking worth it..."
I skipped classes, emailed all my assignments in, and sat around listening to music. I put in every Blink 182 CD I had (back when I still had mostly CDs) from Buddha and Cheshire Cat, to their self titled. I smiled, and thought "as long as I have great music, I think I might be able to make it through this...in fact, they're about to go on tour, and I can see them this summer! I'll find a way to get there..."
Mike, my roommate, finally gets back from class and hears the music. He didn't know yet about what had happened, but he was a little confused why I was still in my running clothes. He laughed for a second, and said his friend 'so-and-so' loves them, and was really sad to hear about their breakup that morning on the news...
BREAK UP!? Fuck me...I didn't even bother to turn on the television, much less a radio or search news on the internet. I was about to try and buy tickets online...and their record label says they are on a "permanent hiatus." I started crying again...it felt like the one thing I wanted to fall back on through all of it, had been kicked out from under me. Needless to say, this confused Mike.
He panicked, and then thought it was all because of the band. I eventually gathered myself enough to explain how it was just another pain on top of many larger anguishes...and that it just felt like god was laughing at me (he has a great sense of humor, you know).
Anyway...major turning point. I changed schools, majors, met new people, changed dreams, started fresh. I had a lot of pain this past month, all culmenating in the past weekend like one big clusterfuck of agony. But then, this...a glimmer of AWESOME in all things dismal.
There it is.
I am happy...
...let's see where this new turning point takes me. I hope it hurts. ^_^
Over and out,