You get a few times when something frightens you so much about living, that you must take time from your life to evaluate it yourself.
One of my closest friends recently lost his battle with Leukemia. His name was Eric Hensley, and he was a sort of mentor to me for the past four years. But, how I knew him does not matter, nor is how he died. Instead, what matters to me is how he lived.
You see, the warriors of ancient Greece had a longstanding tradition that made me happy; they did not have funerals for their dead, no eulogy was read, no boat floated out to sea, no sprinkling of ashes over a cliff...Instead, they did the following:
two coins for the boatman placed over the eyes
their bodies placed on top of a large stack of wood
their corpse burned in effigy, flames rise into the sky
and someone close to the dead would ask but one question : "Did he have passion?"
I tried not to cry about Eric. You see, I know people who have lost much more than that and have handled it with such a poise that I am filled with admiration...I always wondered if I were calloused over about death, but now I know better.
I read Chekhov's "Gusev", Shakespeare's "Hamlet" and Carroll's poem "Life is but a Dream"; I was assigned to read one, wanted to read another and always read the last to make myself smile (in respective order). Surprisingly, the depth in which each text summed death came back to one beautiful hypothesis...
...what is life, but a dream we dream in death?
And if this is the case, and death is just the deepest state of sleep one can feel, then I could feel like Eric was having a great dream. He was dreaming a more perfect life than the pain filled one he had here on earth. I imagine, in spirit, he would have me there with him...we could roam carefree, be doing Edward 40-hands at parties, slaying dragons and never go to a hospital again (I know he was sick of it).
Smile David, smile. Yes.
As for other updates, I had a nice dinner with a good friend who informed me my "cryptic" writing wasn't good enough. Sure enough, they found out who I was talking about in another entry...at first I played my "it's not who you think it was" card, but they called me out on it.
Well played...well played.
At any rate, they only recognized one person, which is a relief. The rest of the night was really enlightening. I to say a lot, and there were specific topics that I needed some insight on...I can't imagine not having this person in my life.
There are still some issues regarding womenfolk in my life.
As I was pointed out: "I still want what I can't have..."
Oh, how I know all too well.
I tried to justify it, but I can't any more than most could: I'm picky, and know what I want. I can't move forward until I completely fail...but I'm much too afraid to try. I feel like most men have trouble just admitting that they like women sometimes. Saying it out load is expressing fully your vulnerability to that person...
...it gives them an intrinsic power over you, you either make you unrelentingly happy or unsettlingly sad. I am not sure I'm ready to be hurt again, so for the time being playing it safe might be the best course of action. I also realize that expressing that vulnerability leaves the reciever of said message with a level of power they might not want to use; sometimes saying yes is hard, but saying no might be harder.
Even I fear losing a friend everytime I take that leap,
but I would hate myself if I didn't eventually know the answers I seek.
And as for the other (less stable) paths I have set before me,
I have opted not to take them because I can live without knowing.
I've been listening to Explosions in the Sky all day (aside from my friend's iPod earlier), but I felt like singing when I got home earlier. So here's the song of the hour:
"It takes more time
Than I've ever had,
Drains the life from me,
Makes me want to forget.
As young as I was,
I felt older back then,
Stronger and certain.
But I was scared to death of eternity,
I was saved by grace,
But destroyed by naivety.
And I lied to myself,
And said it was for the best,
And now faith is replaced
With a logic so cold.
I've disregarded what I was,
Now that I'm older.
And I know much more
Than I did back then,
But the more I learn,
The more I can't understand.
And I've become content with This life that I lead,
Where I drink to much
And don't believe in much of anything.
And I lie to myself,
And say it's for the best,
We're moving forward,
But holding ourselves back,
And we're waiting on something that will never come..."
- Straylight Run
"It's for the Best"
Over and Out,